I've often been told by men that I am intimidating. Though I've never been told that by women, I know some have thought the same; though they act out that idea in a much more passive-aggressive manner. I've never felt that way about myself. I've always thought of myself as just myself, no better or worse than anyone else, really. My most distinguishing feature is that I'm taller than most, at 6'1. It's not something I have control over. It's not something I fucking chose, just to make dudes mad. Yet, it's considered an asset in others; models, athletes, actresses. What is it about me that further intimidates men beyond my physical appearance? What is it about me that makes them so insecure?
This is not some esoteric problem that I am spouting off about either; I've been dealing with being singled-out my whole life. From the favoritism shown to me by my grandfather as a baby to the abuse poured upon me by my grandmother, throughout my childhood. It's been a pervasive problem since middle school, when I first began to experience the sexism that comes with being an "intimidating" woman, as intimidating as a schoolgirl could be, that is. Fellow students, teachers, parents throughout my schooling turned to co-workers, customers, and bosses in my working years. They all had some inherent bone to pick with me, just because I existed. But conversely, others gravitated toward me, clicking immediately. I was pretty introverted for most of my childhood, never really breaking out of my shell until around fifteen. I realized then, that people were going to have their opinion of me no matter what I did, so I might as well just do what I want. Let the chips fall where they may. People still loved me or hated me at the same consistent rate, but they no longer held sway over me. I got a voice in my own happiness. I've always been a polarizing person, but not through a conscious choice of my own. Is it instinct? Pheromones? Some subliminal tell I send out or they receive? I don't fucking know. I'm so tired.
Most men don't want to be half of a power couple, they want to hold all the power, doling out measly crumbs as the see fit. They love the thrill of the hunt, they want to take down the big game, but they don't want to hear the lioness roar, they want to watch her squeak. They have no respect for her power; she's just another obstacle standing in their way of total domination. They want to see her struggling for air on the ground at their boots.
A dear friend of mine, is a tall, strong black man. On top of that, he is brilliant and quick-witted. Men are certainly intimidated by him, but in a way where they basically fall all over themselves for his friendship and acceptance. Women (mostly white) flock to him, literally, wherever we are. They are immediately attracted to his naturally powerful demeanor. They all want a piece of that evolutionary top gun. We've discussed how, in many ways, we are a gender positive and negative of one another. But the way he is is looked at, treated, is as this pinnacle of humanity, powerful and important; attractive, desirable. The way I'm looked at is imposing, a challenger to the balance of gender roles, and the natural order of things, that needs to be taken down several notches, through ridicule, power games or even worse, sexual and emotional manipulation. Certainly men find me attractive, I've always had my share of suitors, but I would venture to guess that 90% of them were interested in me for the wrong reasons, as more of a domination quest than because they were actually interested in me as a person. They wanted to wrangle and tame the wild appaloosa. Just another mounting for their wall.
Yet, I'm still convinced it's less of a man/woman thing, and more of an enlightened/unenlightened thing. So many are willfully chained to the cave wall. I refuse to believe men and women are so innately different, yet so genetically similar. I'm not some genetic mutant, just because I am tall, or intelligent, or have what is considered a more traditionally "male" sense of humor or taste in art/entertainment. Bogus societal mores and faulty cultural values are at play here. I'm glad to see our society "devolve" into gender-bending heathens. It's time the oddballs, the outsiders, and the weirdos, got some fair fucking play.
"You can't be taller than me, you can't be smarter than me...you can't be funnier than me... you can have more talent (in very specific areas that I've never even been interested in before) than me." This isn't pure speculation on my part either, these were things actually spoken to me, or even admitted to me at various times, by various men, some from long-term relationships, which devastated me. (It's interesting to note that penis size is not a valid indicator of a man's security because many of these statements were made by men with very large endowments, and I'm not talking charitable donations to the arts.) These were all men with great talents of their own. Brilliant even. You know, things that would attract a woman to a man. Yet they revealed they were jealous of me because I am good in my areas of expertise, but no where near encroaching toward theirs. I never felt envious of their aptitude, I was proud of it. Here I think we make this great team, and all along, I am being resented for what particular qualities I thought I was bringing to the table. Why is it okay for women to always play second banana to a man? But it's some aberration for them to even be considered equals? How far have we really evolved from the primitive concepts of old world cultures? We might as well be covered in burkas and walking ten paces behind our husbands. So no man ever has to feel intimidated again. At least there is some honesty in that. None of this smoke-screened equality bullshit. They want to act like primordial neanderthals, but want the credit for being so progressive too. Such fragile fucking egos. What delicate little hot-house orchids. I've only met a handful of secure guys in thirty years. That's pretty fucking pathetic.
I never thought I'd turn into such a riot grrrl, but mounting experience and becoming a mother to a beautiful, smart, and funny young girl sure brings the tableau into sharp focus. I don't want her growing up in a world where she is never going to be good enough because she is actually better. What the fuck is that? Even if you are a smart, capable, free-thinking woman, you should just pretend you are a dizzy twit so men will like you enough to feel good about themselves, so you can land a husband. That's really why they don't want to give equal pay to women, they know its the last bastion of of power they hold over us. They're so afraid of becoming obsolete, because they don't have anything more desirable to bring to the party.
"You try to control my every move."
"What are you talking about? I allow you to watch whatever you want to watch on TV. I allow you to listen to whatever music you want."
What the fuck do you mean, you *allow* me to watch whatever I want to watch?! I didn't realize you had the omnipotent authority to bestow free will upon us peons. Why thank you, oh supreme ruler. You are such a benevolent King! Oh, second-coming-of-Charlemagne, the sun really does shine out of your ass. The world rises and falls with your every breath!
What a bunch of self-aggrandizing bullshit. I should really be thanking your mother anyway, because boy, she sure did a number on you. Who the fuck do you think you are, anyway? You're a washed-up goober with a one-note personality. What exactly is it about me that screams push-over? What about me says doormat? But, that's just it, isn't it? Nothing about me denotes any of those weaknesses. That's why you want to reign over me. That's why you attempt to control my life, through abuse, manipulation and passive-aggression. You are trying to dominate me in an effort to make yourself feel like some big man, but you're nothing more than a testosterone-fueled ape. You're grasping at straws because you've made a mess of your career, squandered your time and talents, and lost control of your own destiny. I'm not going to pay for your mistakes. Pay for your own, you maniac.
You are a walking hypocrisy. You never wanted me to work, but love to complain that I spend too much money. You treat me like I am an insignificant speck of dust, yet, somehow, all the indomitable potentate could scrounge up to marry was this worthless worm? You never want me to go out, while you breeze out of here on a cloud, to your blow-off party job, under the auspices of "providing." You have confined me to the house, yet, I'm not even allowed any indulgences in my prison cell. What do you care what music I listen to or what movies I watch when you aren't even home?! You really *are* insecure. Yikes. Fuck off, psycho. I know you'd like me to just sit in the corner and pine for you, but Jesus Christ, I am a human being, with actual feelings and needs. Furthermore, we all can't be your mother! I'm not a disposable serf conscripted to wait on you hand and foot. I'm not some mythological muse or pleasure-bot sent to fulfill your sick appetites. What the fuck kind of person thinks that someone is sent to them, as a prize, by God, as a reward for all your "greatness," anyway?! Greatness, including, but not limited to, an alcohol and drug addiction, twisted misogyny masquerading as chivalry, perverse sexual habits, a laughable bank account, a lack of investments or equity at forty years old, an emotionally incestuous relationship with your mother, and an astounding megalomania despite this laundry list of shortcomings. That's nothing short of sociopathic. The funny thing is, no where in your delusional ravings, did it even occur to you to think, that maybe, the antithesis of God sent you this fantastic "prize."
What are you so jealous of anyway? I'm just a nobody, remember. Why are you jealous of my minuscule talents? You said yourself, they don't garner me any money or any critical acclaim. And according to you, that's the only meaningful measure of success. Personal fulfillment is shit. Art for art's sake; a joke. Sanity; an overrated illusion. You are jealous of my intelligence, but are you jealous of the price I have to pay for that intelligence too? The neuroses, the anxiety, the pain, the despair, the sadness that never let up? Are you envious of the nightmares I've had since childhood, thanks to my over-active imagination? Do you want the post-traumatic stress that accompanies the vivid images that invade my mind; replaying lugubrious memories on a constant loop? You want all that too, asshole? Or can you not comprehend the concept that nothing is free, in that little pea-brain of yours, rattling around in the giant, dried-out melon you call a head?
I'm done being made to feel sorry for my intelligence. I'm done being made to feel bad for my talents, while you demand constant praise for even the most bantam of accomplishments. Oh, you bought some fucking groceries for your own kid?! How wonderful! What a fucking star! Fuck. You don't deserve a round of fucking applause for every errand you complete. It's part of what being an adult is, doing things because we have an obligation to do them, not because we will be rewarded.
I'm done being made to feel inferior for the advantages I hold. My existence isn't a reflection on you, that is a cognitive-dissonance delusion you've created so you never have to take responsibility for you past actions or take hold of the reins of your life. When we met, I felt the power between us. It was palpable. I thought you were this secure, strong man; physically imposing, cocky, but with a boyish charm. I thought you were looking for someone to challenge you, someone on your level. I was unaware that there was no one else on your matchless, elysian level. I didn't realize it was all an elaborate hoax. You shouldn't feel so inferior, you know, you did manage to trick me into moving in with you; accepting your engagement proposals, with your saccharine romance and phony doting, after all, before drawing the iron curtain. You just foolishly assumed I'd never get wise. You mistook my kindness for weakness, as they say. I treated you the way I did, because I was in love with you, and I wanted to build a life together, not because I thought you deserved the royal treatment. Not because I thought I was some peasant accepting her rightful place at your oafish feet. I wanted to be an equitable team, that elusive power couple, but you were just looking for someone to be your emotional punching bag, someone to serve the all-mighty czar as royal whipping boy. So many times you have broken my heart, you've tried many times to break my bones, but as much as you try, you are never going to break my spirit. You ain't never met anybody like me, pal. You don't know who the fuck you are dealing with. You truly don't understand the stock I come from. My heritage should have been your first clue, dum-dum. Have I acquiesced yet? Have you once came out victorious from battle? Or are you the one now groveling at my feet, begging for my forgiveness, so I don't leave you? Who's the vassal, now?
All is fair in love and war, and somehow I managed to get tangled up in both with you. You swear you love me, but I can feel the hate radiating off of you like the glow of a nuclear reactor. And every step you take insinuates your deep-seated contempt for me. I've run out of ideas in this can't-live-with-you/can't-live-without-you mire I find myself trapped in. Let the chips fall where they may. I've had to surrender myself to the fact that I love a monster, but I will not surrender to that monster. I will keep battling the dragon until he is slayed.
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