What is Christmas really? But a series of self-inflicted disappointments, a heap of maddening family obligations, and a stocking full of artificially flocked memories. It is shoveling snow, eating lukewarm buffet food, seeing people you'd never associate with otherwise, and wishing you were somewhere warmer. Like a red-and-green tinseled personal Hell.
And as if Christmas could get any tackier, more commercialized or secular. Going into credit card debt, standing in long lines, and wrestling your neighbor over an off-brand flatscreen. Being general fuckfaces every other day of the year. That is truly the 'war on Christmas.' But nobody bats an eyelash at that. We all want more. But God forbid somebody wishes someone else, "Happy Holidays," instead of "Merry Christmas." People should be thankful for any well-wishes at all. Because they can just as easily get a "Fuck off," or an "Up yours!" if that better tickles their delicate, little, hot-house orchid fancy. People up-in-arms about Starbucks cups that aren't Christmas-y enough. A string of vitriolic, racist comments about Mall of America's decision to hire one black Santa Claus. These are the same morons who think Jesus was white. For fuck's sake. It must be nice to lead such a privileged and charmed life that some manner of season's greeting is all somebody's got to bitch about. People hate shit like that because it completely negates real people's suffering. And it makes them look like big, whiny assholes. It's tone-deaf and unbearable. People are such pricks.
So here is my humble contribution to the 'War On Christmas.' Because it's
not really Christmas until one family member yells at another, "Merry
fucking Christmas!" Shove this up your chimney and smoke it.
The Ramones- Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)
Julian Casablancas- I Wish It Was Christmas Today
The Dropkick Murphys- The Season's Upon Us
The Sex Pistols- Jingle Bells
Bob Dylan- Must Be Santa
Asylum Street Spankers- Trim Your Tree
Clarence Carter- Backdoor Santa
Unknown Hinson- Black and Blue Christmas
Iron Maiden- Another Rock and Roll Christmas
Dio- God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Lemmy Kilmister- Run Run Rudolph
Twisted Sister- Oh Come All Ye Faithful
AC/DC- Mistress for Christmas
Guns N' Roses- White Christmas
Husker Du- We Wish You A Merry Christmas
Half Man Half Biscuit- It's Cliched to be Cynical at Christmas
The Eels- Everything's Going to be Cool This Christmas
The Flaming Lips- Christmas at the Zoo
The Pogues- Fairytale of New York
Queen- Thank God It's Christmas
Greg Lake- I Believe in Father Christmas
Mud- Lonely This Christmas
Robert Earl Keen- Merry Christmas From The Family
Dolly Parton- Hard Candy Christmas
Tom Waits- Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis
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