Reconnecting

It's 3:30 AM as I write this so it might be a little rough. I've been thinking a lot lately about my past relationships, romantic and platonic alike. I've had this sudden urge to reconnect with old friends. I know after high school there is a natural phenomenon to loose touch with the very people you once thought you were inseparable from. I of course made this empty promise to myself that there was no way I was going to let that happen to us. We were going off to different colleges, but the furthest one was only an hour away. In the beginning, of course the trips were frequent, but as the months went by, they became less and less so. Then we only saw each other in the summer, then as the summers rolled on, we only so each other a few times a year, maybe around Christmas or Thanksgiving when everyone was home for the holidays. These too became less frequent and moved into nonexistent. There was no big falling out, just sort of this quiet drift, a slow, but steady devolution. This was compounded by the fact that for long stretches of time I would become completely reclusive and withdraw from just about everyone. I literally wouldn't go anywhere or see anyone. I know subsequently, I alienated people, friends from my life. A few of them understood, maybe not until years later, but they understood. Yet, a few remained unaware of my plight. I cut a lot of people out because it hurt to much to think about them and the way things used to be. I wanted to try to make a new life for myself because it seemed that everyone else had. I convinced myself I didn't need any friends to be happy or fulfilled, that they were just occasional, pleasant extras. But that wasn't really me thinking, it was my insecurity and fear of rejection all leading back to my OCD and how I got that in the first place. I became very judgemental and believe me, it's lonely at the top.
Just today I called a friend to congratulate her on her engagement that I heard, like third hand, on a Facebook post, which is actually pretty huge for me. I get very anxious calling people on the phone, more than even talking in person. I think it has to do with this sort of anticipation while you're waiting for them to pick up and you can't see their reactions to your conversation. She used to be one of my closest friends growing up, we hardly ever fought, we always had fun, even just doing nothing. She was smart, funny, pretty, a talented artist, and really had a good grasp on the world. Oddly enough, she was the shortest in out group and I was the tallest, (there was almost a foot between us) but somehow we connected more than others I think. I haven't seen her in 2 years, but God it doesn't seem like it. It feels like just a couple of days. My memories are so vivid. I didn't realize how meaningful this friendship was to me until I got the distinct feeling it didn't exist any longer.
I called a few times, to no avail and finally just left a message. I tried about 8 months ago to contact her, but couldn't. I told myself, maybe she is just really busy or got a new number, but I can't help but feeling that's not what's going on. Sort of automatically I began to make it about me, like 'Did I do something?' But then I got to thinking, as I so often do, that maybe she is going through something similar to what I went through, where you just sort of want to recede a little into the background. Maybe I am just thinking what I want to be the case, so I don't have to feel so rejected after putting myself out there in a way I am unaccustomed. Or maybe I just want to be able to be there for someone who needs that reaching out, like I so desperately did. I don't know.
What I do know is that out of all the people I have alienated out of my life, I think this one hurts the most. I really do want to reconnect with some of my old friends, in a way to get part of my 'old self' back, but especially with this particular person just to get my old friend back. I think sometimes friendships are harder than romantic relationships because you never quite know when it is okay to express your emotions. I think getting a date is far easier than making a new friend, but I wonder if reconnecting with an old friend is harder yet.