A Self-Indulgent Open Letter

I am the first to admit that I am horribly indecisive, even regarding inane things like where to eat for dinner or what outfit to wear. When it comes to anything with a little more heft, it gets exponentially harder. Questions like; Where I am going or What should I be doing? are almost impossible for me to answer. As much as I like to plan things, my impatience gets the better of me. I hate making plans, because plans are too far away. When people say they are spontaneous, I know they are speaking metaphorically. No one really seems that spontaneous to me, it seems almost impossible. Spontaneity means thinking of something and the very next moment actually doing it. I feel like I am more spontaneous (read:impulsive) than most people I come across. Once I decide to do something, which is no easy feat for me, I actually do it, or try my damnedest. I am nothing if not tenacious. I don't think people see me that way though. I think my family and friends think I give up far too easily, and that I have a defeatist attitude most of the time. I think it's just cynicism disguised as defeatism. When I want something, I try to do everything I can think of to get it. It doesn't always work out, but I won't let anyone say I didn't try. Once I decide on something, I have to see it to fruition, in a almost manic fashion. I can't really relax until it is completed. But the relaxation doesn't last long, then it is on to the next goal. I think I do enjoy the thrill of the hunt, but sometimes, you really do have to eat. I realize that I get on these hare-brained tangents and won't relent until it reaches a breaking point at some place in the spectrum. Sometimes, you just want to speed, and even if you want to slow down, something stops you, something won't let you hit the brake. Sometimes I think I never really turned 19, that I am perpetually stuck in my 18-year old mentality forever, which isn't so bad, if you can find someone else like you. I have what I am calling a Pietra Pan complex, a Peter Pan complex for girls tinged with sexual undertones. I keep trying to let others make the decisions for me, I can see that now, what others may call laid-back or agreeable I have decoded as indecision and cowardice. I had the best thought yesterday, while driving around, which I often do to clear my head. What if I just picked up and left? Not for that long, just a little while. I don't really have any obligations that would prevent me from going, just the cage I put myself in. I really just want to drive to San Francisco, just literally throw some stuff in a bag and start driving. I am adamant in this next statement; if someone were with me in the car right at that moment and agreed to go, I swear I would have gone. It felt so good to have that impulsive thought and not have any nagging feelings to fend off. I seem to be doing too much thinking as it is, and it hasn't served my purposes yet. I felt a freedom in my soul that I haven't felt in forever. Just the thought of it was exhilarating. I miss aimlessness and arbitration, just doing things because they felt right at that exact moment. I know I am getting closer to rediscovering myself as my wanderlust grows. If I had any nerve at all, I would just do it, instead of sitting here writing about it. People would think I am even crazier than they once imagined, but then again, no one has ever accused me of being boring. Just the thought of my parents faces makes me want to do it. As they silently shake their head in exasperation, exchanging knowing looks, leaving my husband to have to explain why I leaped off the deep end. It definitely makes me smile, I like toying with that idea.