A Catalyst

Nothing I have ever wanted has come easily to me, so I have learned to be tenacious. Often, I don't think people know how to respond to this. I am forthcoming and honest to a fault, I don't really ever hold back because I don't see the point. I am never impolite, but when asked of my opinion or when I witness egregious behavior, I can't seem to keep my big mouth shut. Everyone always seems to say that they are honest, and how they pride themselves on that fact, but it's like one of those logic problems, Person A always tells the truth..., but eventually somewhere at sometime, someone is lying. Are they doing it consciously or is it they are lying to themselves? I think more often the latter is true, but it is frustrating nonetheless, maybe more so, because if they are unaware, they can never change their behavior. I am even more honest with myself about my emotions, I have the ability to see what they truly are, even if it takes a little soul-searching. I am not very good at hiding my feelings. They are so visceral, that I really can't seem to figure how I ever could. I realized that I have been keeping something from myself, not very well, mind you, I just projected it in a different direction. It was so glaringly obvious, that I felt kind of stupid for not realizing it before. I couldn't quite figure out why my stomach had the heavy, sinking, anxious feeling for the past week and half. Since I have pinpointed it, my stomach isn't so knotted up, but it still doesn't really solve my problem.

There have been, in my life, a few people that I consider catalysts for me. A person that can ignite that dormant fire, and get me motivated to really be who I am, to help me get myself back in focus. I never know who they are until it happens, and there have only been maybe 3 or 4. It's nothing that they consciously do, it just is. I don't know what it is about these people that makes them a catalyst, and another person just another friend; I don't know what elevates them. I guess that is part of their mystique. Not everything has to be explained away or so overwrought. I have recently met another catalyst. I never would have thought at the jump he would be one, but there it is. Since meeting, the words have just poured out of me at a frantic pace, I can't seem to stop writing. I have so many thoughts and ideas coming to the surface. I feel emotionality again, not just perfunctory and inane. I definitely feel awake. I know some would say I am just attributing all these things to this event, and I am giving this person too much credit, but I don't agree. This comes after long amounts of introspection built upon by past catalysts. This isn't a new concept for me. I have just never wrote it down, or told anyone about it before. It's just one of the many unuttered things that you can find swirling around in my head.

There is something about the smell of stale ash and fresh laundry that I find so entirely intoxicating. And I have this image in my head, of these Byzantine-style fingers, disproportionately elongated with almost androgynous looking nails, slightly longer than most men would wear them. They are adroit and slender, with a tinge of yellow to the skin. It just keeps playing in my mind. I will admit, he seems like an unlikely catalyst, if I were to meet him on the street, I don't know if I would have gave it a second thought. But, alas I can never really know that, because that's not how things played out. I am not sure if they are still playing out or not, though. I think people find it hard to believe that I really am not attracted to very many people. I can count on one hand how many men I have actually been attracted to, and I have gotten to know them all except one. I totally chickened out, he gave me his number, but I could never bring myself to call. I had totally lost my confidence at that time, so it was understandable, but I still won't forgive myself for it. Which I guess kind of plays into this.

I lead with my sexuality, or so I've been told, which I think could give people the wrong impression about me. I have never been promiscuous, I have only ever been with people that I was dating or knew for a long time. I just can't help, but go full force in all of my connections with men. I really only have 2 modes, completely introverted or completely uninhibited. I prefer the uninhibited side, but it still only applies to one concentration at a time. I know that sometimes I have a narrow focus, but I really put all myself into the things I do. I didn't think I would meet someone even remotely cool, let alone, a catalyst right out of the gate, but that seems to be my cross to bear. It happened when I was 16 too, then again at 18, twice in fact, then. Compliments and fawning by men are so meaningless to me unless they come from someone I actually respect and feel is a really cool person throughout. Then it means something to me. I am very bad at taking compliments, but when it comes from a catalyst, it really affects me. I take it to heart, probably to my detriment, but I can't help it. I don't like doing anything half-heartedly. I want to be able to at least say I tried my damnedest to go after what I want. I don't want that God-awful what-could-have-been feeling that never really dissipates, it just gets pushed down little by little. I know this attitude can work against me though, because I tend to push people to their breaking point. I have a uncanny knack for being able to push people's buttons. I can unintentionally draw a raw emotion out of the men that draw raw emotion out of me.

I failed to mention, that catalysts don't stick around for too long, they tend to burn hot and quick, like a lightening strike. I don't know what to make of it, at this point, but I feel like their really needs to be a second act to this. At the very least, it has helped me figure out some other things that were eroding my consciousness. I am glad to be back in the interplay of shadow and light, so much better than that shapeless grey blur. Back in the hard chiaroscuro of conscious vs. visceral, thought vs. emotion, inhibition vs. exhibition.